Submitted by: Arlene Bova
It was the summer of 2014 and cash was missing here and there. Unauthorized charges kept showing up on a credit card at McDonald’s, Walmart and gas stations. She has dropped out of school, but makes attempts to study for the GED. She doesn’t hold a job. She has changed. People knew she was using, but nobody tells me. Winter 2015, someone tells me, and I confront her. She says, “It wasn’t me. They’re lying to you.” I start looking around her room. Why is there a roll of aluminum foil? Why is there square sheets of foil with black soot/burn marks on them? Why are there empty cardboard toilet paper rolls laying around? Why are these large bottles of Nyquil laying around? I find some crushed powder stuff on a piece of foil. I ask a law enforcement friend what it is. They tell me, “Probably crushed pills. People snort them to get high”. I ask, “What’s the foil with black stuff on it?” “Probably heroin. They smoke that too, for a high.” Confirmed she has been using opioids. Spring/summer of 2015, I put together a journal which chronicles credit card fraud of two cards and it totals over $2,400.00. I speak to an attorney. I reach out to the local town judge and get an understanding of how pressing charges will go. I let her know that I will be pressing charges. She tells me it’s not her stuff. She doesn’t use – all the time. I proceed with the charges. The sheriff’s show up one day to arrest her. She asks them, “Can I take a shower first?” (emoji-slapping head). They tell her “No!” – off she goes. She sits in county jail for the July 4th weekend, until court. Court date comes, her older sister goes with her. I refuse to take her, if released. Older sister agrees to take her in, with curfew and rules set by the court. She breaks the rules within a week – back to court and back to jail. She now wants to do a 28 day rehab program, with assistance from SNI-Behavioral Health Unit arrangements made. She waits in jail. Back to court. Judge agrees, with a warning – “you leave treatment, we proceed with original charges”. She completes 28 day rehab. She has an exit plan and she comes home. Things are going okay until she chooses to go to Erie County Fair with friends and misses curfew because she is in Cheektowaga Jail. I, as mom, do not know at this time, how life with an 18 year old addict is. At this time, I start teaching/learning on my own. I can do this. (FYI – not on your own, you can’t!) She ends up back in Cattaraugus County Jail. Court is more willing than me, at this time, to give her long-term rehab option. In my mind, I’m thinking, “If she’s in jail, I know where she is”. I’m still not understanding her illness. She sits in county jail for almost three months until a rehab facility, longer than 28 days, can be located and has a bed available. Additional challenge though – she is 18. She will be turning 19 after a few months in rehab, which means she doesn’t qualify for an up to 18 year old rehab. During the 10 month rehab, I participate. For her to be accepted, it is a condition we must agree to – I am very willing. It was hard work – both painful and helpful. As I am mom, I still think I can fix this. WRONG AGAIN!
She comes home – we are all hopeful. We love her. First month home is difficult, but we are succeeding one step at a time. It is now fall of 2016. She relapses. The next five years, she has a few stints in rehab. She’s sober, she relapses. She’s clean, she relapses. ONLY mom’s child can make the choice of sobriety. I learned, not only is she powerless over her addiction, but so am I. Mom will give her hugs. Mom will tell her, NO! Mom will pray.
What I know, as mom:
• people won’t tell you your loved one is using
• finally, someone tells you
• you (mom) are in denial
• mom can fix this, moms fix everything.
• they will lie, steal and break your heart
What I did, as mom:
• learn about her drug of choice – what it is and what the physical effect is to her
• pray
• talk to someone in recovery
• pray
• accept – her life/her choices
• pray
• heal myself of the trauma this has become to me
• pray
• take care of my own mind-body-spirit
• pray
